The Serenity Prayer





God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.




Paranoia

According to Wikipedia
Paranoia is a thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs concerning a perceived threat towards oneself.


Paranoia is like digging your own grave....

Broken

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you


---Lifehouse


Catching up

I was about to go home earlier from a visit to La Salle, I saw an old org mate. She was wearing make up and obviously shocked to see someone she knows in the campus. It was for her graduation picture for her MBA and she doesn't wear make up at all. I accompanied her to her errands and had dinner while telling stories about our lives until I need to go home already.

The time we spent was short, but It was nice to catch up on things from both our ends. I was hoping to see her soon for more stories to share. It was really nice seeing a familiar face in a crowd of strangers.
:)

Emo mode 2

Being in a state of depression maybe be beneficial at some point... it makes us realize things we need to face. We are challenged to be a better person...

However, emotionally it sucks.... I feel like it is draining my life force out of me... Every second I am weaker, every second I feel I am dying, every second I am losing hope... That is every second of my miserable life...

*Was also constructed earlier... the resemblance of the state of mind I am in.

Emo mode 1

Just as we thought things will be better, life drags us down. Just as we thought we hit rock bottom, life let us realize that we can go down deeper that it feels like an endless pit. When will this stop? I do not really know... I am starting to feel numb from the pain... the numbness that makes me feel like I am dying... maybe it is better to die...

*Constructed earlier when I was waiting for a friend.

Lost

How can I still stand
when my reason is there no more
No one to hold my hand
what am i still looking for

the disillusion in reality
the pain in my heart
I am as blind as i can be
my world is falling apart

I tried to face tomorrow
but my reason is gone
succumb into this sorrow
how can I go on

To my sister

Just had a conversation with my sister who is by the way, working in Hong Kong. I do feel I am close to her because we share random thoughts about our family and maybe life in general. Maybe we do have the same wavelength at times.

Anyway, I told her about me blogging and even when I started doing it in my multiply site, she was very supportive. Let me rephrase it, she is very supportive in all of my ideas and plans in my life. during our conversation I asked for her blog site so i can check on her and her thoughts in life. I always admire her writing because I suck at it. She is gifted with words and I am with numbers.

As I was reading her entries i did realize that we are going into depression together. Different case but both of us are quite emo at the moment. I know things will be brighter for us soon for we made it this far in life even when our parents are constantly trying to blame each other while we are striving to have a normal family.

To my sister,

I am always here for you and when you need someone to talk to or someone to amuse you, you know where you can get hold of me. We did manage to get this far in life, and I am sure that the future will be brighter for us. Continue to dream and dream big.

I love you

your brother :)

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday and yet today seems to feel like just another normal day except for the greetings. Maybe it is just my mood.

Anyway, while I was surfing the net and finishing my blog, I thought of checking anyone famous that are celebrating their birthday today. This kinda made my day seeing a pretty model, a great director, a rock star, a singer, a fantastic actor and a wonderful chef.

Claudia Schiffer
Tim Burton
Elvis Costello
Gene Simmons
Sean Connery
Rachael Ray

This made me smile... Happy Birthday to me :)

Crossroad

There will be a time in our life where we will be facing our own crossroads. It is either we stay at our comfort zone or challenge ourselves to take the risk on the other side. The more unknown the path, the higher the risk involved.
There was a time in my life where I did went the other way and took the risk involved. I may not get what I hope to get, but this made me wonder about life more deeply. What made me strong was a poem I read. Here are a few lines from the poem "Road Less Traveled"

ROAD LESS TRAVELED
by Robert Frost

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference


In everything that we go through, there will always be roads that we need to choose. Others might be easier while the others will be riskier. rather than focusing on what scares the hell out of you, focus on the positive. Like me, I try to see the reward waiting on the other end. If the reward is more than the risk ,then the risk doesn't seem to matter that much. Currently I am in a crossroad of my life and I am choosing a road quite risky but I know the reward waiting for me on the other side will make my journey worth it


High school Poem

Untitled

Beneath the gate of an open heart
lies a truth that no one takes part
like a child that longs to play
soon everything should find it's way

Questions that are long to be asked
seek that life mysteries be unmasked
not knowing what good and bad may present
is beyond being innocent.

It was high school and I was thinking of a theme to do. Ever since I am a thinker already. Told him what I wanted to write and my close friend wrote this for me and it has been more than 10 years still I can memorize this poem out.

An Unknown Path

Just recently something happened to me. Like God sending an angel to try to shaken me from my state of being happy-go-lucky. However this time, things are more different. I was shaken to my inner soul that I even questioned my existence in this world. I need to face the reality of things and there are a million and one problems I need to overcome and decisions I need to make. I feel I need to face depression and I need to fight it. The problem is that no one can help me and no one can guide me. What lies ahead is something I know that is better than my current state, something far better, something that is rightfully mine.

Facing depression is never a good thing. I may not come out alive, I may not come out sane, but this is a journey I need to take to correct things, fix my vision and cleanse my soul. The path is dark and the end result is unclear. Still, I need to take that road and face the inevitable. It's not the duel with depression I'm focusing on, but more on the new me when I came out victorious.

Fix me

Sometimes I think I do not make sense at all. On how I think, how I justify things or simply how I live my life. There were instances that I am down and was looking for a hand to pull me up but it was just a false hope. I needed to stand up on my own. It may take me a day, a week, a month, a year, hopefully not a lifetime. I need to stand up not just for me, but for my aspirations and dreams. I am currently fixing myself and it may be true that I really need to detach myself from the world to lessen the influences in my decisions.

I used to to follow quotes from famous people and lines from different songs. They do make sense. Maybe it is time for me to search for guidance from songs again.

Hero complex

While thinking of things on why they happen, a friend told me that I do have a hero complex. Hero complex is defined by wanting to be the knight in shinning armor for a damsel in distress. True to its sense that I do want to be that knight. No other reason but I just want to help a troubled soul. During college, I was also labeled as a knight for damsels. I personally do not see this in a negative sense, because of the reasons I have.

That same friend who told me of my supposed hero complex said that it is an ego booster for guys. Girls tend to fall for those knight and it is very inevitable. This made me think about the subject. Yes I do want to be knight and have fallen for a few damsels. Also, a number of damsels did fell for me but that was never my intention.

My reason started when I was in another depressed state. I am not religious and I do believe in things that only a few understands. The whole religion is very confusing and during my dark days in college, the New Age belief became my ally. Looking at all religions, the teachings boil down to the simplest rule which is to do good. Yes I seldom pray, I seldom go to church, but I try my best to be a good soul. I try to help people around me and it just so happen that I respect women and I am helping a lot of women when they are troubled. Does it boast my ego? Maybe yes and maybe no. I do not ask such thing to myself. All I wanted is to help others so they can still believe that goodness still exist. The idea of a good world is almost extinct. Let us try to revive the idea of a bright world we are in today.

How...

  • How can you believe in something that you know is impossible?
  • How can you live in a world full of pain yet smile as you walk through?
  • How can you bare to hold on to things that are trying to get away?
  • How can you manage to stand up after falling millions of time?
  • How can you still trust people when you know there are a lot who will betray you?
  • How can you see a bright future when you are surrounded in darkness?
  • How can you hear lovely melodies when noise and negative news are everywhere?
  • How can you feel comfort despite the competitive environment we are currently living in?
  • How can you smell the sweet scent of the flowers in a smoke clustered neighborhood?
  • How can you taste wonderful food in a world full of chemical and preservatives?
  • How can you succeed in a world of crab mentality?
  • How can you love when your heart was broken again and again?
  • How can you go through a path of uncertainties when you are unsure of what lies ahead?

The simple answer is why...

As long as we have a strong why, the how will follow... Ironic that the answer for these questions is another question. That is what the world really is... A Big irony.

Heroes within us

People are fascinated to see films with magical themes or with supernatural powers like harry potter and heroes. Quite inevitable for people to dream to have abilities that are unique and different. Many wanted to fly, travel through time, walk through water, read minds, have super power strengths, etc etc. The list goes on and we can come up with almost the weirdest idea that can be thought of.

However, I think we do have powers of our own. Some just don't know about them and are really not as exaggerated like those on film. For example, other have a great memory or a photographic memory while others can do calculations in their heads. Others can lift heavy objects or run for hours.

It is believed that our brain usage is around 5-10% only and maximizing it can give us these extraordinary abilities. Science do not have any proof and skeptics will surely disagree. I am a new age believer and what I believe in are a result of my rationalization on what is logical and what is not in this world add the experiences I had and observation on the world. I may be right or I maybe wrong, but the fact is that I believe that strange things do happen.

For one, I know I have a gift. It is my instinct. It helps me mostly when I am in trouble, not physically, but emotionally. Along with it, I do believe that my instinct helps me analyze people when I get a chance to talk to them for only a few minutes. I can "sorta" gauge their personality if their are either good or bad. This isn't a make believe because it happened a lot of times. During my college days, I was tasked to recruit staff member for our organization and I can see through their words. Rather than hearing their words, I can hear their soul. I did have the right choices and those who didn't believed me first, realized it after a few incident when they opposed my suggestions. Also, the next batch of officers asked me to help them in the interview and without papers or names, I just asked them questions other think are inappropriate or irrelevant. It is not about the question, but more of the reasoning that would let you see through them. After a series of interviews, I told them my assessment and they were shocked that I got information more than was presented and other personal ideas.

My "gift " maybe started when I long to study human behaviors when I was in high school thus prompting me to get a Psychology degree. My interest in the human mind and behavior didn't stop. I try my best to interact with different minds and people from all walks of life to know more. Learning how people think, why they do certain things, and how they reason out. There really isn't a right answer, but there will always be a better answer for us.

why I suddenly brought this up? I suddenly started pondering on the idea of such gift. Why do we have these gifts? What is the purpose of it? It was until recently, I realized the real reason behind everything. As Hiro Nakamura should save the cheerleader to save the world, we are also in a mission to save the world. We are now living in a new world where the line between good and bad is diminishing. There are people with bent reality that we need to enlightened. Others who are blinded by the negativity around them and that happiness seems to be a fairytale. Lost souls that need companion, someone to pat their back, someone to hold their hand, someone to hug them in times of trouble, someone to tell them "everything will be okay", or someone to let them feel love.

Crazy as this may sound, I think there is no greater "high" than to help someone to the right track. Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Helen Keller are a few who wanted to not just save the world but to change it into a better place. They used their special abilities to put a bend in reality and try to better this world we live in. Others may still not believe in special abilities. But for me, I will try to save the cheerleader to save the world.

An old poem


Deadly whisper and a borrowed smile
gave me laughter of drought and sorrows
drag me for a single mile
Please don't lead me to the sinful ghost

treat me like a wasted chance
with nothing but a broken heart
longing to be loved for once
but it seems my world falls apart

never did i wished for you
nothing was real except your lies
then I thought you would end my woes
misery and gloom you multiply

still I am here by your side
with uncertainties and a broken smile
never think my love had died
my journey goes on for a million mile

Who We Are



I have been a fan of Lifehouse since the time they released their single Hanging by a Moment. Ever since, I really look out for their songs. With their latest album Who We Are, I was very surprise that I only got hold of a copy not sooner than I can. Their songs are quite melodramatic in lyrics and the melody is quite unique. While listening to this album, I thought of similar sounds (not bad similar, but happy similar or familiar sounds). The familiar tune sounds like a mixture of The Goo Goo Dolls, Coldplay and even Jars of Clay. Not saying that Lifehouse has shifted styles but the familiarity of the melody and tune made me feel good. There are fast alternative songs to the softer ones. I enjoy listening to most of the song. The Album I have is their special release here in the Philippines. Some of my picks are Whatever it Takes, Broken and Easier to be for slower tunes while Disarray and First Time for the faster tempo.

Here's the list of songs in their album
1. Disarray
2. First Time
3. Whatever it Takes
4. Who We Are
5. Broken
6. The Joke
7. Easier to be
8. Make Me Over
9. Mesmerized
10. Bridges
11. Learn You Inside Out
12. Storm
13. Keep The Change

Laugh, Learn, Live and Love

An old entry from my Multiply site, but wanted to transfer most of it here. Anyway, will be editing this blog for updates. Enjoy!

As part of my reflection stage, I was able to come up with a motto to live by. I don't want to assume originality. I came up with it by my collective experiences of the world and knowledge from people around me.

Laugh, Learn, Live and Love.

Laugh - It is a very stressful world and we should laugh as much as we can. Laughter makes us feel better and why worry a lot when we have problems? Even if we frown, they will still be there. Might as well Laugh and smile as much as we can. People who do laugh and smile a lot elicits an aura of positivity and others will notice this. We rarely remembers sad memories but we treasure memories of smiles and laughter.

Learn - Learning doesn't stop after graduation. We need to continue learning for this is one of the things that makes living fun. We are now living in the information age and information is vital. Either in our work or personal. Also, with the Internet within our reach, tons of information are available to us to learn. Learning is a wonderful part of living. Like learning a new hobby, learning a new software, learning to drive a car, learning financial analysis. The possibilities are endless, our mind is the only hindrance. The search for a higher self starts from a curious question we have in mind. That quest to be better is not a simple one. Others climb higher in their journey while others don't. At the end of it all, once you took that journey, you will learn more about yourself, life, and what lies ahead.

Live - We are put to earth to for a reason. We don't just wake up, go to work, then go home to sleep just to start the routine again. I was inspired by a saying I forgot how and where I read it. it says "Live, don't just exist". True and there are a lot of things that we can experience in life why limit ourselves? If you wanted to go to vacation then go. if you dream of doing things even there are risk involved, do it as long as you know the consequences. By the way, I do not encourage wrong doings but what I mean by risks are consequences like giving up certain things, getting out of our comfort zone. The world was created with a lot of beautiful things that should be experienced. Don't just dream of the possibilities. Live your life to the fullest. We only live once.

Love - The greatest feeling in the world. People are made to love and all we really need is love. This may sounds like a cliche, but it is actually true. When we are tired, the simple hug from our love ones makes it much better. Many have loved and lost and was now afraid to love again. They shouldn't shut themselves for loving makes us stronger. Just as muscles are flex to grow, and our brain have mental exercises for it to be sharper, our heart needs loving to grow. Part of losing is learning and loving someone teaches us a lot of things. Even when we failed or when we are having a hard time looking for love, don't stop looking. Maybe if we looked a bit further, the love we are looking for will make the search worthwhile.


Just a few description on each part here but I will add more on my future entries. Currently, I am doing my best to adopt this motto and make it my life. I do hope I shared something useful.

A poem I recently wrote

Untitled

I Woke up today
with a goal in mind
Think that i will say
that everything is fine

a little bit too keen
i was trying to see
What the world had been
and what is instore for me.

Yet nothing quite grand
nothing too special
I know where I stand
but the feeling wasn't mutual

It wasn't about love
It wasn't about money
It's something I want to have
and the day isn't sunny

I may start searching
for something that isn't sad
I hate this feeling
of a friendship I almost had